my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
