So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
