I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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