I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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