I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
