There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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