Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
