I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize