I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
operation have a gay friend backfired
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
