Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
