News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
