you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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