It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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