You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
