If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
