I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
