He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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