I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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