Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
