Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
