My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
