im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
