You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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