I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
