She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Shame - the story of my life.
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