Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize