My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
