Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just invented taco cereal.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
