Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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