my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
