I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
