Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
