You made me cry and you don't even care
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
