so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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