I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
