you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
