I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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