A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
