im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize