dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize