the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
