There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
