I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
