sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
