you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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