I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
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