just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
