oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize