If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
