I feel like abortions should bother me more
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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