Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize