Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
