The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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