drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
