she looked like the before picture.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
