Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
