My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Randomize
