I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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