put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Randomize
