true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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