if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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