my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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