Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
