So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
