Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
