mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
